Crime Stories by Konrath J. A
Author:Konrath, J. A. [Konrath, J. A.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Mystery, thriller, Humour, Crime, Horror, Anthologies
Amazon: B003AOA73I
Goodreads: 8308140
Publisher: Joe Konrath
Published: 2010-03-01T08:00:00+00:00
A humorous take on the many detectives in crime fiction who are able to glance at a crime scene and brilliantly deduce everything that happened. I wrote this for an anthology, but they rejected it. Too Monty Python-ish, they said.
Special Investigations Inspector J. Gerald Oxnard arrives on the scene moments after the crime has been committed. The usual entourage of detectives from the SI Division of New Bastwickâs Police Department accompanies him.
Iâm the newly appointed member of this crack investigating team, a reward for my exemplary grades at the Police Academy. Itâs just my luck that my first case is a murder.
The portly Inspector kneels beside the cooling body of a man in his late twenties. After several minutes of intense scrutiny, he nods and clears his throat, prompting one of the nearby detectives to help him to his feet.
âHe was killed by a lion,â Inspector Oxnard says. âIâm thoroughly convinced.â
The room absorbs the declaration, mulling and silent.
âButâ¦Inspector,â I say, âHow did a lion get up to Room 715 of the Vandenburg Hotel without anyone seeing it?â
Inspector Oxnard puts a thin and elegantly manicured hand up to his mustache and rolls the waxy end.
âA disguise,â he says.
âA disguise?â I ask.
âOf course. Perhaps a long overcoat and some dark glasses. Havenât you ever seen a lion walk on his hind legs at the circus?â
Several of the detectives standing around sound their approval. One writes it down in his note pad.
âBut what about the knife?â I ask.
âThe knife?â Inspector Oxnard shoots back, eyes sharp and accusing.
âIn the deceasedâs back.â I say.
Thereâs a moment of chin-scratching silence.
âDonât lions have an opposable thumb?â Detective Jenkins asks.
âNo, youâre thinking of monkeys,â Detective Coursey says.
âBut isnât a lion kind of like a big orange monkey with sharp teeth?â Detective Rumstead asks.
There are several nods of agreement. Inspector Oxnard runs a hand through his gray hair, which is slicked back with mint-smelling gel, and wipes his palm on Detective Courseyâs blazer.
âIt had to be a lion with a knife,â the Inspector says, âwearing an overcoat and dark glasses. Put out an All Points Bulletin, and check to see if a circus is in town.â
âBut Inspector,â I say, âthereâs no sign of forced entry. How did the lion get into the room?â
âSimple. He had a key.â
âWhy would he have a key?â I ask.
The silence that follows is steeped in apprehension. After a full minute, Inspector Oxnard makes a self-satisfied yelping sound and thrusts his finger skyward in apparent revelation, poking Detective Graves in the eye.
âThe deceased was having an affair with the lion! Thus, the lion had a duplicate key!â
Excited applause sweeps through the group. Inspector Oxnard draws on his pipe, but it does little good because the bowl is upside down, the tobacco speckling his shoes.
âDid the lion prefer the company of men?â Detective Struber says.
âPerhaps,â Inspector Oxnard says. âOr perhaps it wasâ¦a lioness!â
Several âahsâ are heard. Someone pipes in, âOf course! The lioness is the one that does the hunting!â
âBut what about motive?â I ask, my Police Academy training coming out.
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